I'm a doctor. Naturally, I was happy when I saw my 4-year-old daughter play with my stethoscope. "She wants to follow in my footsteps", I thought. But then she spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

This is how my 4-year-old explained to her teacher where her grandmother lives: "She lives at the airport. We pick her up there sometimes, and when she's done visiting we bring her back."

I was driving around with my 5-year-old daughter when I beeped the car horn by mistake. She looked at me surprised, as there were no other cars around. So I said, "Sorry, I did it by accident." - "Yes I know daddy", she said. - "How come?" - "Because you didn't say 'jerk' afterwards."

My son asked me what year I was born and I replied that it was 1972. He said "that was a long time ago." I agreed and stated that there were lots of things -- like Game Boys -- that weren't even invented back then. He said "Yeah. Game Boys... and electricity... and donuts."

My father was trying to explain the concept of marriage to my little brother. He showed her photos from the wedding day etc. "Do you get it now?", he asked. "Yes daddy, that was the day when Mommy came to work for us." I laughed so hard I fell from the chair.

What my kids take home from school: "Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics."

Biology 101 with my little niece: "A living thing is, when you stomp on it, it dies."

After arguing about not wanting to try on the potty ("I don't hafta go"), the toddler went to try. He peed, then looked at me in wonder: "Mommy, you can read my penis!"

My son had his annual check-up, he was 8. We get back into the car and he asks to use my cell phone. I ask who he needs to call, he tells me 9-1-1. I ask why? He said, "the doctor touched my privates".

When I divorced my husband, he said: "You'll never find anyone like me again." I think he didn't realize that was the point.